


I'm a Stranger in You

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst Dean Winchester, Angst Gabriel, Bush - Freeform, Depression, Dream Travel, Human Gabriel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Lisa Miskovsky, M/M, Mt Eden, Protective Gabriel, Romance, Saturnus, Suicide, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 04:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/523086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you wallow away into dreams and memories? And what guilt will you feel when you have no idea how much someone cares for you? Gabriel tries to get through to Dean as he descends into the darkness in the aftermath of Sam's death. Will he be able to break through, or will Dean's darkness take him under as well?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Still Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Set during or after Season 7, which makes it AU. It's also AH, because Gabriel is no longer an archangel. One-sided Dean/Gabriel. Gabriel's POV. Very angsty/tragic. If you're looking for fluff this isn't it. Nothing explicit though, it is PG-13. Also, keep in mind there are various tenses, it's mainly past tense but there's also present. I hope you enjoy.   
> Song Featured: "Letting the Cables Sleep" ~ Bush (I consider this to be one of Gavin Rossdale's masterpieces, and as soon as I heard it I wanted to write something Dabriel. The couple I've been obsessed with for the past couple months) Title of this chapter comes from "Still Alive" ~ Lisa Miskovsky. Check out the Mt Eden dubstep remix of it, it's awesome.   
> This was written a while back, though it doesn't actually seem like that long ago at all.

_~You in the dark, You in the pain, You on the run_  
Living a hell, Living your ghost, Living your end  
Never seem to get in the place that I belong  
Don’t wanna lose the time, Lose the time to come~ 

Things happened he couldn’t even try to explain. Time took hold of him and then left him behind, left him behind in a blur of lights and colors and sounds that drove him mad. Until he was left in shadow, in darkness he didn’t own. Then he realized just how much he had taken for granted. He wanted life stuck on fast forward again, where he could feel something, not how painfully slow it went by like now. He didn’t even know where he was half the time. Except for the fact that he was with Dean.

Dean’s happiness was a rare thing to find and maintain. He stayed close to him, knowing it gave him an ounce of comfort and surety in his life. He was almost positive Dean knew he wouldn’t leave. But he was nearly as positive that the majority of Dean’s soul didn’t care. He had lost all will and it was frightening to face.

Sometimes he nearly cried when he realized Dean probably didn’t know he was there. He seemed so lost those days, so unsure of where he was and what the hell he was doing. Dean would look up at him and not know who he was. And while he never spoke, never asked him what he was doing or who he was, it was more than painful to not hear his voice than to not hear the words he would speak. It’s as if Dean had nothing left to say. He told Gabriel once he felt useless, washed out. What the hell was he supposed to say after that? How could you comfort someone who didn’t know what comfort was?

They talked a lot, about past days and future days no matter how clouded they might be. Dean couldn’t think of things he shouldn’t say, he told Gabriel everything. About what life was like with Sam before they even knew angels existed, about how terrible he felt when Castiel went behind his back and consumed souls. There was so much pain in Dean’s past that he was surprised he’d ever want to talk about it, especially to a used to be archangel who supposedly cared little for trivial human matters. But he clung onto Dean’s every word because it was a gift, he was learning and gaining pieces of Dean every day. He just couldn’t cope sometimes with the fact that Dean was losing himself, giving himself over to Gabriel. He didn’t deserve this.

Everyone was gone now: Bobby, Castiel and Sam. And Dean was the only one left, that’s why Gabriel couldn’t abandon him. The human needed looking after and the fact that he was once an archangel, meant he was the one to do it. He tried to leave before, but he didn’t know where to go. He told Dean they both needed each other, Dean for his sanity and protection and Gabriel for his deepest temptation. 

The hunting was done, which could already be guessed. Dean had started crashing in motel rooms for the first few months, until Gabriel took him away, bought him a small run down house that felt like home. He made sure it felt like home before he would even think about taking Dean there. It’s not like Dean’s wasn’t too weak or hopeless yet to protest, he could have fought back and refused and Gabriel would have tried to convince but not force. Never force. But he didn’t have to do anything of that, Dean went with him because it was secretly what he wanted. He had always wanted a home, and if Gabriel was the one giving it to him he wouldn’t run away. 

Gabriel tried to make everything for him normal, even tried to get him a job. But Dean was tired, so tired and he gave in pretty fast, let Dean sleep his days away in bed or on the couch. He should have tried harder, he should have forced a little. 

Now everything was falling apart because he couldn’t bear to corrupt his humanity. 

 

“You want to talk?”

He sat up in bed, head held in his hand, elbow holding him up as he stared down at a restless Dean. 

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s talk.”

Usually when Gabriel offered, Dean didn’t refuse. The talking helped, allowed him to get what he could out of his head and poured into Gabriel’s. He would take the burden. He could handle it. 

“What do you want to talk about?”

“You.”

Gabriel’s eyes lifted up in shock. Dean always talked about himself and Sam, needing it nearly every day. He had never asked Gabriel anything before, and he suddenly did not know what to say.

“What do you want to know?”

“What was Kali like?”

Suddenly Dean wanted to hear tales of romance? It must really be bored. He paused for while, trying to think of where to start, what to say, what Dean would be interested in. His past with Kali wasn’t exactly story-telling material. It wasn’t too short either. 

“Unless you don’t want to.”

He turned back to him and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around Dean’s shoulders, letting his rest the back of his head and neck on his arm. It was something he often did to make them closer, to not suffocate Dean but not leave him cold and alone either. 

“No, I want to. I just…”

“Don’t know what to say.”

He smiled and leaned back against the headboard, “She was lovely, really exciting to be around. She really was amazing.”

Dean smiled a little, “She tried to get you killed?”

He smiled back, “More than once. She hated me at times, but we always crossed paths again and caught up whenever we could, telling endless tales of our adventures and trying to beat one another. She always beat me. I mean, I could trick people but it was nothing compared to what skill she possessed in everything. The wars she started over mortal men who wouldn’t bend under her whims, the slaughtering and bloodshed. It was really… nice to be friends and lovers with someone like that. I was practically the only being she refused to kill, even though we talked endlessly of different ways we would make each another suffer. It was… it never got old. She never got old.”

Dean turned over and curled his head and neck into Gabriel’s upper chest, a rare gesture of affection and trust. Gabriel stroked his spiky hair and wrapped an arm around his back, holding him without showing he needed more. He hated to breach Dean’s territory. But he did want more, he wanted to be everything to Dean. 

He continued on, lulling the human into a peaceful sleep. He couldn’t understand why talking of Kali, why explaining his affection, lust and love towards her would ever in the slightest interest Dean. But he provided it because he asked for it. He would always be there to give.

The next night Dean went to bed early, not feeling so well. Gabriel cleaned up in the kitchen after cooking the both of them dinner. He had insisted early on that Dean eat home-cooked meals, no way was either one of them going out to get fast food. It gave them a chance to talk and since Gabriel liked food, he wondered if he would like cooking just as much. He loved cooking for Dean. And he could always use it as an excuse for him to eat, saying he was insulted if he at least didn’t try it. It was great and Gabriel could only hope that it would last. 

When he finished cleaning up he retreated into the bedroom, the bed he shared with Dean. He wasn’t surprised to see him awake, but he was blown away to find him staring straight at him, his hand moving off the bed slightly to offer to Gabriel. The human never showed anything like this before, normally thinking it a sign of weakness to admit he wanted Gabriel to lay with him. And Gabriel treated this as his sweetest reward. He turned off the light and climbed into bed next to Dean, taking his hand and then letting it go so he could better curl himself around him. 

“You miss me?”

Dean didn’t answer, just let Gabriel stroke his back. He knew one thing, he wasn’t gonna take this for granted. 

“Tell me something interesting.”

He smiled at that, thinking of a million things and nearly saying half before Dean drifted off into oblivion. It was early and Gabriel didn’t want to sleep, but leaving Dean wasn’t an option. It was a gift he wouldn’t give up for anything. 

And it had been a good night. Dean had showed his appreciation of Gabriel. 

The next night he was interested in Kali again, there was so much to tell. Then he wanted to know everything about his family, about leaving heaven and making Earth his new home. It was the night that Dean didn’t ask for anything, too exhausted to speak, that Gabriel spoke about meeting him and Sam, his point of view on everything that happened between them. He stopped before he reached Sam’s death and Castiel’s corruption, Dean’s wasn’t asleep yet but he found something else to talk about: how life with Dean was happiness. Because it was, who gave a fuck if it was boring and slow sometimes. It was being around Dean that mattered. 

And even though Dean didn’t say a word he could practically feel the relaxation and happiness emanating from him. Even without Sam here, this was a good life too. The best he was gonna get and Gabriel was happy he could at least do something. 

That was the last relatively good day before Dean slipped further into the darkness.

_~Whatever you say it’s alright  
Whatever you do it’s all good  
Whatever you say it’s alright~_

“Dean. Dean, come on open the door. Let me in.”

“Go away.”

“I won’t. I want to help. Just please, open the door. 

“Thought you didn’t want to push.”

Gabriel sighed and dropped his head in his hands, falling to the ground slowly and leaning against the door, wanting to hear Dean’s heartbeat. A faint reminder he was still there with him. He didn’t want to push, but half the time he was scared to death that if he didn’t, Dean would grow even farther away from him. 

“You do know I need you too, don’t you?”

He could almost see the human staring the door down, making a decision. Seconds later, it opened and Gabriel looked up from his position on the floor. 

“Sorry.”

He didn’t help him up, just walked back inside and Gabriel followed him like a little puppy dog, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching Dean trying to get comfortable. 

“You don’t have to ask permission to lay down you know.”

He lay down but didn’t wrap his arms around the human like he usually did. He didn’t want that. He could tell by the fact that he did lock him out, for however short a time period it was. Though it also proved that Dean wanted him around, needed him to be there. 

“I’m here, Dean. Let me in.”

“You don’t want to be in.”

Dean turned away and Gabriel could sense the tears unshed in his eyes, the way he wanted to crawl up into Gabriel and ignore everything around him. The way he won’t let himself do that. 

The previous archangel shut the light off and stared at the human’s back for the rest of the night. A constant reminder of the temptation that just wouldn’t go away. 

 

“I just want you to know I’ll love you no matter what. That won’t change, Dean. No matter how much you change.” 

Dean is lost to the land of the living, for the time being. He’s been asleep for hours which means Gabriel has been awake for hours. He needs sleep but he doesn’t take it, not with the figure lying beside him constantly haunting his mind. He swears Dean is like a ghost sometimes, there and then not there at the next moment. The words he rarely speaks are heard within him all hours of the day, he consumes them and stores them away. Because if he doesn’t… if he doesn’t he might have nothing left of him someday. 

He wants to say the words above to Dean every second of every day, when he’s awake of course. But his affectation and intimacy are limited. Mostly, he doesn’t want to upset the only thing he cares about. The only thing this world has left to offer him. 

“You can’t do anything that’ll make me leave. I am eternal. I am your eternal.” 

He strokes Dean’s arm slowly, in nonsense circles and random patterns that stretch on forever and down towards his waist. He doesn’t stir, only breathes and it’s calming, it’s something he’s so sure won’t be there someday. Maybe even the next morning. And of course, he can’t calm down when he thinks about that. There will no sleep tonight, Dean is all-consuming. He wants Dean to be all-consuming. 

He wants to tell the human lying under him, so close and yet so far, that he wishes he would let him in. Just open up his heart and let him dive into its depths and swim in his soul forever. But Sam possesses that part of Dean and he always will. Even in death. 

“I love you.”

He knows Dean will never know it no matter how many years, months, days, or hours come to pass. That is eternal in itself. 

 

Snippets of conversations are the most of what he remembers. Words spoken and the words that had played inside his head, never spoke, never heard by anything other than his own now fragile mind. The only actions he carries inside him are the lack of touch and the abundance of it. Searing pain and comfortable temptation. His arms around Dean’s painfully vulnerable body, and his arms being pushed away when they become too much for the human. He needs to stop calling Dean a human, not that he isn’t. Just that he’s a human now too. Just the fact that it means nothing compared to Dean now in his life, is a presence that won’t depart, telling him and driving him insane with it every day, that Dean is everything. And sometimes he’s nothing at all. 

 

“Do you miss being an archangel?”

Gabriel shrugged, “Sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could do more.”

“You do enough," Dean mumbled contentedly.

Gabriel shook his head but made sure Dean didn’t see, he wished he could do so much more. Taking care of Dean was the only thing that mattered now, and he was afraid he couldn’t even do that. At least the human knew he was doing something. 

He fell for Dean, at a time when heaven was more in chaos than ever before. Ever since his death, he remained there because it had been home in his earlier years. He had wanted to taste it again. But when Dean had proved to be alone, he went down there because he had watched over him for years. And he couldn’t do it up in heaven anymore, not effectively anyway. He prepared himself for the anger, frustration and hatred. But it wasn’t there, wasn’t found in the human when he arrived. Maybe Dean could sense his newfound humanity, or maybe he just didn’t care about anything anymore. 

It became more and more the latter. 

“I want to take you away. Let me take you home.”

Dean didn’t ask where home was, just blindly followed Gabriel, who completely ignored himself and his needs. He fed his wants, for Dean to be happy, but his adjusting to being a human was neglected. He didn’t have time for that anyway, Dean would turn out to demand his attention and presence without asking. Because more than anything, Gabriel didn’t want him to ask, that wasn’t who Dean was. And he knew what he was getting himself into, he had known all along. And it still didn’t stop him. 

“Is this home?”

“Yes, Dean, this is home.”

They trudged inside the one level stark white house, adorned with a spacious patio and several olive trees. In the heart of suburbia. Dean took a few minutes to explore despite how tired he looked, how tired they both were. He took everything in all at once, the moderately sized living room to his left that led to a small office, the kitchen and dining room to his right. And then walking farther into the house, the huge bedroom and bathroom, and an extra room nearly twice the size of the bedroom that Gabriel planned on using to store books and other items, like a library. Dean left after seeing the bedroom to go sit out on the porch, while Gabriel unpacked before joining him out there himself

“It’s nice.”

“You like it?”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, it’s perfect.”

Gabriel had beamed that day, thinking there was nothing better in his now mortal life than to hear Dean say he liked his new home. Because Gabriel had worked so hard, too hard, to make everything perfect. He had painted the walls and adorned it with furniture, and it still needed some work but that hardly mattered, it could wait. Dean liked it and he would stay, they both would stay. They could live here and start again, make their own lives. He would do whatever it took.

**To be continued…**


	2. In Memoriam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of this chapter comes from "Loss (In Memoriam)" ~ Saturnus.   
> This would have been up a few days ago if a virus didn't wipe the first 8 pages. Anyways, I hope you enjoy.

_~Silence is not the way_  
We need to talk about it  
If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way~ 

Dean gets really angry sometimes, to the point where Gabriel struggles to control him, calm him. He doesn’t blame Dean, he really doesn’t. Anger can be a positive thing, it allows Dean to release all of his pent up emotions. And not only that, but it provides Gabriel with an insight of what he really thinks about. His past memories with Sam, the hopelessness he feels in the inability to save his little brother, the depression that’s always there, just beyond the corner, never giving him a moment’s peace. So he lets Dean vent, for a short period of time that is, any longer would be beyond damaging. And he tries to soothe him, tries to calm him down but more often than not it’s futile. He holds himself back, not wanting to provoke Dean any further. And he’s lucky if that will work half the time.

All Gabriel can hope for is that the anger won’t get violent or self-destructive. He knows that someday it will happen though, that the day will come when he won’t be able to control him with words or his arms wrapped around him. This is why he misses being an archangel. There had been a time where he could merely put Dean into blissful unconsciousness. But it’s not that easy anymore. Now he’ll probably be forced to knock him out, adding more pain and discomfort to Dean’s already fragile state. Gabriel just hopes he’ll be ready when the time comes. It couldn’t be more clear that Dean needs him now more than ever before. 

Throwing things at the walls and attempting to aim them at Gabriel, is only a minor infraction. He can deal with this because he knows how much Dean goes through, and even if he doesn’t really know, he’s smart enough to know who Dean is as a person, the things he’ll do when he’s mad. How much Sam meant to him and what it does to him. 

But today he’s fed up, which makes sense considering it’s the third day in a row he’s having plates and various silverware coming at him from all possible directions. Dean moves around so fast he can’t even keep up with him. Damn humanity and all its faults. He feels like a target and considering how much he does for Dean, even if he accepts that he doesn’t realize it all the time, he still deserves to be more than Dean’s bulls eye. 

“Dean, calm down!”

“Why should I? What’s the point anymore? I’m so sick of all this silence and suppression that you’re resorting me to! I don’t know who I am anymore! I don’t even know who you are! I don’t feel myself! I don’t feel anything anymore!

“Dean please," he begs, he tries. 

“I never said I wanted this life!”

“You never said you didn’t want it either.”

Dean sighs, “You don’t understand.”

Gabriel walks a little closer, trying to make Dean understand he’s there, there to stay, “Then help me.”

“You’ve never lost anyone.”

“I have lost much, Dean Winchester. And for you to say that, then it proves just how much of a fool you really are.”

“Yeah, but what have you really lost? Sure, your heaven and your brothers. But they never meant as much to you as he meant to me.”

He wants to tell Dean he agrees with him, that he’s completely on his side, but Gabriel’s a fighter. Being an archangel makes you a fighter, fighting against his true family and for a family that was never even his has proven to him that he will fight, and he won’t back down right now. Not even for Dean, especially when his fighting is ultimately for Dean’s sake in the end. 

“I still know what loss feels like.”

And then Dean comes at him from an entirely different direction. One that scares him a little. 

“Why’d you fall for me anyway?”

He doesn’t feel like lying. He feels like fighting for what he believes in, for what he loves. 

“To look after you.”

Dean shakes his head and turns away. And Gabriel can’t help but think he’ll never get it, can’t even begin to comprehend it. Looking after and loving are two entirely different things. But there also couldn’t be more of a fine line between them. Dean can’t move past Sam’s love for him and his love for Sam. The only way he can make Dean understand is if he says it straight out. Which will most likely turn out to a nightmare. 

 

For the most part, he can easily read Dean’s moods. There are primarily three: calmness, anger, and numbness. He’d take anything but the latter. As said before, the anger can help, at least Dean is working his way back to recovery in some way. The days in which he’s calm, very far and very few, are a gift to Gabriel. These are the days when he can give into temptation, when Dean will allow him to hold him and soothe him in the only way he can, by touch and words pouring past constantly moving lips. It’s the feeling of absolutely nothing, the numbness, that truly kills him. 

It’s in those days that he will sleep, all day and all night. His eyes will sometimes remain open, but he’s still lost to him, for he’s drifting in and out of his memories with his brother. He tries so desperately and for the most part succeeds in cutting himself off from reality. It’s his best way to cope and Gabriel hates it. Hates with a passion unlike no other, a passion that overrules everything, even lust and temptation. And as much as he tries to deal with it, as much as he tries to bring Dean back from the past and into the present, he never seems to have the heart to. It’s in these moments that Dean’s reliving good times, happy memories, a past that wasn’t so long ago. But yet is so unbelievably far out of reach. 

Dean doesn’t deserve any of this. And he feels all the worse for it every single day of his fucking useless humanity. 

 

He followed Dean into their bedroom, watched the human sit down on the side of the bed farthest from the door. He lingered in the doorway for a few moments, wondering if Dean knew he was really there. Probably. Even if he couldn’t sense him, he knew enough to know Gabriel was never far out of reach. The farthest he ever really got from the human was just one room over. It’s wasn’t only for Dean’s benefit, but he always felt this urge to be close to him. He wondered if this was the consequence of falling for him, that you would remain forever tethered to that human and that human alone. That if you ever left and went your separate ways, it would weigh even further on your humanity and drag you down to the deepest darkest pit. 

Basically, he felt depleted when Dean wasn’t around. Lifeless. And that wasn’t something he wanted to feel. 

He watched him for a few more minutes, losing himself in Dean’s silence and shadowed beauty. Then he made his move, sitting down next to Dean and wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Dean pushed it away but Gabriel didn’t relent that time, like he usually did. He only replaced the arm and this time Dean didn’t push it away again. Probably knew better. 

“Just go away, Gabriel.”

He smiled a little, “You don’t mean that. If I left you’d miss me too much.”

“I said, leave me alone," Dean tried to say threateningly, but it didn’t come out so well. 

His smile faltered a little but it was still there for the human to see clearly, that is if he had been looking in his direction rather than on the insanely tidy carpet. What else was an archangel turned human supposed to do other than cook dinner and clean the house? Watching Dean sleep took up countless hours of his time, his personal time, but even he needed a break. 

“Come on, don’t be like that. Let’s talk.”

Dean didn’t give in so easily, he wouldn’t be a Winchester if he did. All he did was the only thing he could do: turn even farther away and stare at the wall. 

“You know, I could make you talk to me. I could tie you to the bed and force myself on top of you.”

“Fuck you, Gabriel.”

He laughed, made a move to jump on top of Dean and attack him, only jokingly. But Dean flinched, fucking flinched. And right then and there, Gabriel hated himself so much that he wanted to kill himself. He never wanted to see Dean flinch like that again, it was like a knife to the gut. He was supposed to be healing him, not putting him through more torture. 

And this is yet another thing he hates. He isn’t an archangel anymore, but what you were born to be, what you were for countless numbers of centuries, isn’t so hard to forget, to change. He still wants to trick people, wants to see them suffer. But Dean is top priority now and to take care of him he has to deny his true nature. First, he can’t soothe him properly because he’s no longer an archangel. Next, he’s forced to act human and become human in more than just body, just to make Dean feel like he’s at home. Just to prove that the last thing he wants to do is hurt Dean. So what is he supposed to do? He’s completely at a loss and the human makes him feel so confused at times, so useless and corrupting. 

“You know I’d never hurt you right?”

Dean nodded and as far as Gabriel could see, he relaxed an inch more. But apparently, Gabriel needed to feel relief more than Dean needed sureties. He was becoming human quicker than the blink of an eye, and Dean was the primary cause of this. 

They sat there in silence and he counted the seconds tick by before giving in to what Dean needed. 

“Let’s lay down.”

Dean didn’t protest, just nodded as Gabriel pulled back the covers and waited for him to crawl under the cool cloth. He scooted in beside him and Dean immediately turned away from him, an action that stung Gabriel to the core. He turned towards him though, staring at his naked back and watching the human like a hawk. He placed a hand on his back but Dean only moved farther away. 

“I just need to be alone. Please, just let me be alone.”

Dean wanted to cry, wanted to do so many things that Gabriel knew about. But he was holding back, and Gabriel was so sick and tired of all this bullshit. More than anything he wanted Dean to open up, it’s what he was always getting him to try and do. He just wanted to pull the human to him and hold him, force everything out so Dean wouldn’t feel like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders anymore. He wanted his shirt to become soaking wet, wanted Dean to cry himself to sleep. He feared and knew it would be the only thing that would help. 

“No, you don’t. You think you do but you need to stop denying yourself. You need me, and I’m here. So just suck it up and let me take care of you. I won’t go away, Dean. I’ll always be here for you.” 

The words had the effect he initially wanted. Faster than he could breathe, Dean turned over all at once and curled up into Gabriel, his head plunging into his upper chest and breathing hard against it. Gabriel could feel his warm breath through his shirt, soothing him like nothing else. He rubbed his back and held him, rubbing slow nonsense circles into the skin of his arms, listening to Dean’s choked half-sobs and his efforts to try to calm them. He whispered words he couldn’t even remember, and he didn’t care, only knew that they had helped the human at the time and that had been plenty for him. 

After a while Dean gained his strength back, little by little but it returned. 

“You’re such a possessive freak.”

“Yeah, but I’m your possessive freak," he pushed back some of Dean’s sweaty hair and smiled. 

Dean matched his smile and sunk back against Gabriel. 

“You want to go to Sam’s grave?”

He was risking a lot with that question, he figured Dean would want to go but Dean was pretty unpredictable right now as it was. 

“What the hell is wrong with you? How can you even ask me that?” 

Shit. 

“I just want you to know we can go there anytime you want. It might help.” 

Dean didn’t answer, and Gabriel wondered if it was because of his sudden hatred for him. But something inside told him he shouldn’t be so quick to judge. The human didn’t feel as tense against him as he had a few milliseconds earlier. He didn’t even seem to be aware of the faint noise that caused Gabriel to look up from his human. 

It was Sam. 

He had been standing in the doorway, smiling as he watched the scene between his brother and a dead archangel play out before his eyes. And before Gabriel could even utter his name, ask Dean if he saw him too, he vanished. He vanished painfully slow, so as the last trace of him still lingered in the air he begged for him to come back, come back to his brother. He begged himself to go to him and touch him. To see if he was real. But he wasn’t. It was only a figment of his fucked up imagination. And mentioning it to Dean would only put him into further distress. He found himself staring at the same door for years and years and years. 

A raspy voice broke him away, “So can we go?”

He looked down at the head cuddled into his chest, and he felt such love for that creature he forgot all else. 

“Where?”

“To Sam’s grave.”

He didn’t have the heart to tell him the most likely place he would see Sam again, was in their very own bedroom.

_~You in the sea, on a decline_  
Breaking the waves  
Watching the lights go down  
Letting the cables sleep~ 

The drive was arduous. A heavy silence filled the car until it drove him nearly insane. Dean wouldn’t talk, utterly still and utterly silent, and Gabriel didn’t know what to talk about. He was still adjusting as well as he could to humanity, and he found that he hated it. He wondered why he even gave it up in the first place. But he cursed himself, he wouldn’t choose to go back and do it differently. He would choose the same path every time.

He drove, since Dean was still in no condition to drive. He would probably crash the Impala as soon as he drove a few miles, regardless if it was his beloved baby. It was lucky that Gabriel even knew how to drive, he’d had plenty of practice on multiple occasions. But that certainly didn’t mean he enjoyed it. He at least let Dean pick the music, but that small gesture only proved just how much Dean wasn’t Dean anymore. Because the classic rock would have improved his on the edge mood considerably, if Dean had been listening to the genre Dean Winchester was supposed to be listening to. Unfortunately, they had both been stuck with something… less desirable. 

He had set the radio on an easy listening channel, until Gabriel got so disgusted that the only thing he could do besides slamming a baseball bat into the damn thing and turning it on Dean himself, but merely shut it off with a fury he hadn’t possessed since he fell. And more depressing than all of that? Dean didn’t even seem to notice, didn’t even seem to care. Gabriel wanted to scream at him, but his hands only clenched tighter on the steering wheel and he gave the road his demonic glare. 

He looked over at Dean occasionally, okay, more than occasionally. He ended up looking out the window the entire time, the same window he had been curled up against. And suddenly in his eyes he looked so weak, so vulnerable. He had to strain himself to even see him breathing. His eyes were just an open unseeing beautiful nightmare. The green was dull but it was still there, shining throughout everything the world seemed to throw in his way. This was his Dean. But his Dean should be so much more full of life than this. 

“You want to talk about something?”

What actually surprised him, was the fact that he actually tore his eyes away from the window to stare over at Gabriel as Gabriel stared back, giving him and not the road his full and undivided attention. 

“What’s there to talk about?”

His hands tightened on the steering wheel, which wasn’t helping any because they were already red from the endless driving and constant pressure he exerted on the steering wheel. An effect of his never-ending anger and desperation for things to change. At least he had been lucky enough to get Dean out of the house. 

He only allowed himself to torture the wheel though, he doesn’t lose control. He won’t lose control when it comes to Dean, not when he’s thrown in the extra effort to talk. Even if it wasn’t the words he would have chosen. Blowing up at Dean wasn’t the right move. He didn’t want to hurt him, just wanted him to get back down to reality for the most part.

“Look, Dean, we’re another day at most from our destination. If you want to sit in silence and sulk for however many hours that is, go ahead. I’m just saying maybe we should talk.”

“Wow, I can see humanity’s done wonders for your personality.”

The words themselves and the way they should have been said, the way that they would have been said long ago, would have most likely been an insult coming from the cocky and infamous Dean Winchester. Unfortunately, Dean wasn’t really Dean anymore, something which he couldn’t even begin to say how he missed. It sounded all wrong now, like more of a compliment. So he decided to take it as one. 

“Why thank you, Dean.”

“Why are you so nice to me anyway?”

He took his gaze off the road ahead momentarily to look at him, his gorgeous hazel eyes staring into his own and he wondered if it was possible to faint at the sight of them. Not a good thing to think about when you’re the driver, and the love of your life is the passenger. Dean’s life was in his aching hands. And not just in that moment, more and more he began to think about it. If he tried hard enough, maybe he could save him, pull him out from the darkest recesses of his mind, the recesses that held Sam trapped forever.

He tried to act normal, hiding the nervousness lingering inside, “What do you mean?”

“Dude, you’re like conjoined to me at the hip or something. As much as I used to complain to Castiel about personal space, I haven’t exactly been getting it from you either.”

That right there, was his Dean. His voice and cockiness was returning and it was like heaven on Earth. He smiled and felt a strong urge to hug him. But he would just have to give him a rain check on that. Driving and vowing not to crash the car and kill its inhabitants was first priority now. 

“Maybe I’ve been inseparable from you because you scare me to death every time I look at you.”

“And why would I do that?”

“Well, Dean, you’re not exactly the most stable person on the planet.”

“You shouldn’t expect that from me. Not after what I’ve been through.”

He started to look out the window but Gabriel abandoned one of his hands on the wheel, and grabbed the back of his neck to turn his head, so as to force him to look back into his eyes. 

“I don’t expect that from you, Dean. I just want you to get out of this hole you’ve got yourself stuck in and come back to me. I’m here, I’m waiting. 

“Uh, Gabriel…”

“No, listen to me right now. As soon as you forgive yourself, you can move on. That’s what Sam would have wanted you to do. He left me with the task of looking after you. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.”

“Gabriel!”

He turned away from Dean and as soon as he stared through the windshield, seeing they had run off the road and into a field, about to crash into a tree, he swerved right, very abruptly and very sharply. There was that little voice in his head screaming at him to push Dean out of the car to save him, to do something. It was cursing him and calling him a complete idiot, he couldn’t focus on anything else. Was this how they were going to go out? Was this to be the last dance of a disgraced archangel now turned human and his beloved human companion? His beloved human lover. He shut his eyes and let the car, let life take him and Dean where they needed to be. Maybe he would get to die alongside Dean if it was this way. 

Then, at the last possible moment, his foot remembered to slam down on the brake, hard enough to get them to a stop quick enough, but not too hard as to send him and Dean through the windshield. The Impala stopped, no crash, no impact, no sound, nothing. He opened his eyes to see they had crashed into a haystack, but barely, the Impala only partially emerged in the soft hay. They were alive. They were… Dean!

His head whipped to the side to see a perfectly fine, unscathed Dean Winchester. No blood found anywhere on his body and no grimace of pain on his face. And it was then that the panicked voices in his head finally stopped. Dean looked over at him and from that, the world neatly fell back into place. His smile lit up the car’s interior and all could Gabriel could do was stare. This was an angel before him. An actual angel. 

“Screw my self-destruction. You’re the one who’s gonna get me killed.”

Despite how panicked Gabriel still was, barely able to hold back hyperventilation and convinced he should never ever drive again, Dean started laughing. Actually started laughing. The human’s happiness broke through his panic quite quickly, made him smile and finally tell himself it was okay to relax. 

“Please don’t kill me, Dean," he managed to get out half jokingly and half-nervous.

“As long as you didn’t scratch my baby, we’re fine.”

He leaned back against the seats and breathed a sigh of relief. 

Well, maybe Dean was gonna be okay after all. 

 

He had wanted to crash at a motel, just for a few hours, but Dean wouldn’t have it. He told him it wasn’t likely he was gonna get any sleep anyway, not with the anticipation on his mind. And Gabriel just didn’t have the heart to tell Dean that he was actually the exhausted one, that he didn’t feel as if he could drive any farther. What was he to do but shut his mouth and endure the pain in his arms and hands, and in his heart for Dean’s well being? 

The night seemed even longer than the day. Dean didn’t have much luck staring out the window, since they were in the middle of nowhere with no lights to be seen. So of course what else was there to do but talk? It was nothing more than a question or a comment here and there, but it was better than nothing. Dean talked about maybe getting back into hunting, and as much as Gabriel knew it would be a great improvement, he was reluctant to agree. It was too soon, Dean still had to get back on his feet again. 

Even though hunting would be his closest connection to Sam. 

So he talked of other things, of fixing up the house even more, that they could do it together. And he talked about maybe going on a vacation, anywhere Dean wanted to go. But the human didn’t have much to say, and Gabriel pretty much shut up after that. He didn’t want to lure Dean into a conversation he didn’t want to be in. He just had hoped he would try. 

Gabriel’s speeding had paid off, they reached their destination when the first rays of sunlight began to illuminate the sky. As soon as the dawn had come and his speed had slowed upon entering the gates, he allowed himself to glance away from the road and stare at Dean. His face was lighting up in vivid and startling shades of orange and pale yellow, the gradually emerging sun making his green eyes sparkle so it was as if they were on fire. He looked so alive. So perfect. 

Dean turned his way suddenly and he quickly looked away. He knew he hated to be watched, but if Gabriel hadn’t seen that, he would have missed all the beauty the world had to offer. 

As soon as he parked he got out of the car quickly, a sudden obsession to watch Dean emerge from his beloved Impala taking hold of him like nothing else could. His hair was caught in a particularly bright ray first, then as he slowly looked around, working his gaze towards Gabriel’s, his cheek lit up on fire and his eyes once more rose up from the ashes and gained new life. They lit up in flames and Gabriel wished they would come alive and burn away his own faults, burn away the pieces of Dean’s soul that were tainted beyond any healing from him. 

“What?”

He warned himself, told himself to tear his own amber eyes away, eyes that didn’t come close to Dean’s beauty even when he was an archangel, so that Dean wouldn’t suspect something. But he couldn’t, he just couldn’t. It seemed like when he had abandoned his grace, Dean had received it and it lay deep within him now. Haunting Gabriel.   
“Nothing”, he looked away, slightly in shame, but he could feel Dean lower his head to catch Gabriel’s eyes again. 

It worked. 

“You take some potion to make you get all dreamy-eyed?”

Gabriel laughed, “Not even close, Dean. Not even close.”

Though he did begin to believe that Dean had finally been given a fragment of Gabriel’s feelings for him. Just not enough to realize the immensity of those feelings. 

“Come on, let’s go.”

He didn’t follow Dean until the human looked back to make sure he was following. And when he had nearly caught up, though not enough for Dean to be able to read his facial expression, he smiled. He smiled because Dean wanted him there. He smiled because in the midst of Sam’s beloved memory, his Dean still remembered him. Maybe even thought of him as family. 

He wouldn’t let anyone tell him it was simply too much to hope for. 

 

Dean stood in front of Sam’s grave, his legs spread out a little as he looked down at the light gray tombstone. And Gabriel was bold enough to think: This is a pretty good view. Especially of his ass. But he told himself to stop acting like an idiot, he was in a cemetery and Dean was inches away from becoming emotionally vulnerable, from opening up. If he didn’t get his head out of his ass, he was doomed and threatening to hurt Dean even further by not paying attention. 

Gabriel stood about two feet back, silent but desperately wanting to break that silence. He looked around a little bit, they were completely alone, their surroundings desolate and deserted. Sam’s grave was housed near a particularly large and shady oak tree, which Gabriel decided to lean back a little against now. With his eyes watching Dean like a hawk, he basked in the cool shade in his clever hiding place from the glaring sun. But Dean was a different case. His face only lit up more and more with the sun shining down on it. His eyes were inhuman, his body ethereal and almost… transparent. 

Gabriel feared that if he touched Dean, he would disappear. And there would be nothing left of him, no remainder to prove that he had actually been there. So he just stood back and took in the gorgeous and extremely rare sight before him. And oh, he wished he could possess that human before him. 

Dean leant down and stroked the gravestone a little, brushing back a few stray vines that had collected at the edges. And the only other human, not far away at all, stood there speechless and almost happy, but not quite. He felt sort of detached, numb, but not in Dean’s way. He could have sworn he was up in the sky, watching his and Dean’s bodies on the Earth, wishing he could be down there with them. His hand slipped down to brush the bark of the tree a little, to prove he wasn’t dreaming. Dean was there, inches away and real. Real. 

He walked forward and hovered over Dean, who hardly seemed to notice. His eyes were glued on the large piece of rock claiming Sam was under that very patch of dirt. And the eldest Winchester looked like he wanted to dig his way back to him now. Gabriel did his best to pull him back from the edge, where if he fell, he would never return. 

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive Castiel?”

There wasn’t even a pause. 

“Cas wasn’t Cas when he did it. But it still doesn’t make me miss him.”

Gabriel nodded and turned away, prepared to give Dean some alone time with Sam. 

“Where are you going?”

He looked back to find Dean staring at him, when he should be looking at the tombstone. Isn’t that what he had come here for? Sam should be his sole concern, not a fallen archangel. 

“Thought I’d leave you alone for a while.”

“Don’t," Dean demanded, and underneath that sharp tone he heard desperation, the heavy longing for relief at the sound of Gabriel’s next words. 

And how could he ever deny Dean Winchester?

“Okay," he sat down on a nearby rock, trying to get comfortable to prove to Dean he wasn’t going anywhere, "I’ll stay.” 

And Dean’s relief was enough to satisfy him, despite how much his ass was gonna hurt from sitting on that sorry excuse for a rock. Were rocks supposed to be pointy? Anyways.   
Dean sat on the ground above Sam for a while, just staring and remembering. Gabriel watched him most of the time, shifting constantly to find a more comfortable spot, which wasn’t gonna happen. He was getting impatient and that wasn’t a good thing, especially since Dean started to cry a little at the exact moment he was planning on saying something, breaking him out of his trance. Clearly, Dean had broken himself out. 

"I wish I could have told him. Told him that I love him."

Gabriel's head snapped up. A basic instinct for taking things way too literal. Dean hadn’t been in love with Sam that way, just brotherly love, that’s all it had been. That’s all it had to be. 

“He knows, Dean.”

“I know he knows. I just don’t think he knows how much.”

“He died to save you, to protect you from Castiel. He loved you because you loved him.”

Dean sniffled and stood up “Bye, Sammy.”

Gabriel actually thought for a second that he would say something, talk, anything. Tell Sam more than just a goodbye, actually reveal something. And he didn’t know whether it was just because he was there, because Dean hadn’t wanted some alone time. He wanted Gabriel there, for once in his life. Maybe it was because he was afraid of what he might do to himself should he be alone. He shivered at the thought. 

“Let’s go.”

Dean turned around to wait for him, where he hovered at Sam’s gravestone. He looked up at Dean, wanting him to say something more. But he just stared at him, oblivious. 

“Goodbye, Sam.”

He left the cemetery he would never see again. The home of too many agonizing memories.

__  
~Whatever you say it’s alright  
Whatever you do it’s all good  
Whatever you say it’s alright~ 

He tried to think, really did try to think about how it had gotten this bad. But he felt so useless. Was this was humanity was? Just an endless pile of failures, regrets, and despair? He couldn’t do anything, everything he ever tried to do for Dean just blew up in his face. And the aftermath, the aftermath he had to watch with his own eyes. All he could do was lie there, on an uncomfortable bed, in a fucking filthy and terrible motel room. All he could do was cry and scream at himself as he held Dean in his arms. A human who was becoming less human every day.

He couldn’t keep it in anymore, didn’t even want to try, for fear of becoming like Dean. His endless repression, even at Sam’s grave where the tears had been threatening to pour out. Only a few had been shed, and he had been standing there, right there, ready to comfort. Why didn’t Dean understand that? Why couldn’t he possibly see that Gabriel wanted to be there, wanted to help? 

He did not fear of disturbing Dean from his peaceful slumber, he wouldn’t wake up for a long while now, caught up in a particularly happy and vivid memory with Sam. So he sobbed, his body shook and Dean shook with him. He watched his tears drop down on the human’s face, watched them melt and be joined instantly by new ones. He clutched the pillow and wanted to scream. Scream at the world, at his life, scream at Dean to wake up and get with the picture. No response. Nothing. 

He was a fucking coward. He didn’t have the heart to wake Dean up. Not when he was happy, not when he was away from his terrible life with Gabriel. He wasn’t stupid, wasn’t delusional. He tried, but he wasn’t successful. Because the biggest failure of all was his inability to keep Dean with him. It appeared that his need for Dean outweighed Dean’s need for him. But that wasn’t the case, never had been, Dean’s need for him outweighed his need for Dean. He was giving into the human’s needs, allowing him to slip away from his reality with him in order to gain some momentary peace. 

And Gabriel was the one who was suffering. He was allowing himself to suffer because it was too much to bear to watch his human suffer. His beloved Dean. 

So he sobbed uncontrollably, not seeing a stopping point anytime in the near future. What the hell else was he supposed to do? Watch Dean slip away from him, watch his rapid decline detached? He felt too much for Dean to do that. He felt too much and he hated himself for it. Made himself suffer for it. 

Gabriel was at a loss for what to do. And since no one was there to guide him, he experienced depression for the very first time. His deepest low, his ultimate desolation. His failed love.

**To be continued…**


	3. 3:09

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll soon find out where the title of this chapter comes from. I hope you enjoy, it is the last chapter.

_~Silence is not the way  
We need to talk about it  
If heaven is on the way~_

He prepared the dream root and held the glass in front of his face, staring at it, losing himself in the putrid brownish color. He’d been wanting to do this for weeks, but he hadn’t had the nerve. And now, now was the perfect time. When Dean was so deep in sleep, so irrevocably lost in some memory of Sam. He was too worried, he convinced himself, not to do this. But really it was just his curiosity, and he hoped that curiosity wouldn’t lead him into destruction.

He didn’t think a moment more about the consequences of breaching the human’s territory. It had to be done, he had to know, understand what was so much better than him. He had to see Sam, and he had to see him now. Gabriel wanted to be able to see with his very own eyes, what made Dean so happy, what he was so able to lose himself for. Damn how wrong it was to be doing this. 

Gabriel sat down on the bed beside Dean and took an unusually large gulp of air. He was shaking with nervousness and impatience. If he had been an archangel, he would have been able to just go into Dean’s dreams willingly, but now that he was human everything was so fucking inconvenient. He had had a hard enough time even getting the dream root. He glanced back at Dean, confirming he wouldn’t wake for a long while. 

“That’s it, Dean. You’re pushing my buttons.”

His eyes wandered back to the disgusting looking liquid, “Well, here goes.”

He downed it and the glass slipped out of his hand onto the floor. He didn’t bother to pick it up, just closed his eyes and waited a few seconds before reopening them. Everything looked the exact same, which was to be expected, all he had to do was walk around and find Dean. Gabriel stared down at his body for several long moments before leaving the room. 

There were several minor changes to their house. For one thing, the hallway was unbelievably long, resembling more of a tunnel because the lights were off. There were no doors around either, so he was forced to take what seemed like an insanely long period of time to walk down that damn hallway. His hand brushed the wall as he continued on, eventually coming to a huge glass window with no door in sight. The window was beautiful, stormy blue colored but transparent, with some stained glass pieces at the corners. He stopped and put his hands on the glass, looking through it to see Dean in his teens, playing football with Sammy in some field. He smiled and pushed closer, looking around a few times for a door so he could go outside and join the action. 

Dean looked so happy, grinning from ear to ear and chasing his brother around the field when they got bored. And more and more, Gabriel wanted to be a part of this, a part of his life. He knew he shouldn’t intrude on their happiness but he couldn’t help it, Dean’s youth and naiveté was both beautiful and fascinating. This was a moment where he didn’t have demons to slay around every corner, when all the stresses of hell, angels, and heaven weren’t raining down on him like acid. He was so carefree, the only things he worried about were taking care of Sammy and the next hunt, with such benign monsters compared to the demons of hell. He was a completely different person, and Gabriel was too curious, too fascinated, for him to feel the pain of Dean’s loss. 

Gabriel moved slowly down the hallway while still continuing to watch. He faced the wall again a minute later, and frantically started searching for a door again, there had to be one somewhere. He fumbled around in the dark before his hands closed around a cold doorknob. He yanked it open and came face to face with a completely different memory. It was nighttime now instead of late afternoon, and he was up in the mountains with hundreds of stars overhead. It was beautiful but he walked on, wanting to find Dean. 

Gabriel stopped in his tracks when he found him. He then finally took the time to enjoy the scenery and the nighttime surrounding him as he kept track of his hunter. 

He had grown considerably older, looking to be around twenty-seven or eight, sitting on the hood of the Impala next to Sam. They were drinking beer and staring up at the stars. And he could feel Dean’s peace, his short-lived happiness. How small and comfortable he felt compared to all those stars that proved the rest of the universe was out there. The peace of mind he felt just to have his brother with him, safe and alive and right beside him, shoulder to shoulder, so close. 

He realized this was still before he had even met him, before Dean went to hell, before Sam got pulled under so fast. This was around the aftermath of their father’s death, when Dean felt that emptiness he had once felt when Sam went away to college. He was eaten up inside but much better and much happier compared to what he had been chewed down to years later. Gabriel was so glad he could see him like this, know what it was like for him back then. Even if he could only see it once, it was enough. 

He walked a little closer without realizing it, a little too close. And he was caught. 

Gabriel felt himself wake up a moment later, sitting up on the bed and facing a very pissed off Dean Winchester, who was pacing on the carpet before him. He pulled himself off the bed and faced him, knowing he couldn’t hide from this, couldn’t run away from this. 

“You had no right!”

“What else am I supposed to do, Dean? You won’t let me in, you won’t ever let me in!”

Dean looked like he wanted to throw something, he looked like he really wanted to throw something. And luckily for Gabriel, there didn’t seem to be much around. Except for the lamp, please not the lamp.

“Cause it’s personal! It’s my fucking life, Gabriel! My fucking memories!”

“Why won’t you let me help you, Dean? Why won’t you just let me help you?”

“Cause I don’t need any help! I’m perfectly fine. Just leave me alone and let me have Sam.”

Gabriel walked closer and wanted to touch Dean, to comfort no matter how small it may be, but Dean stepped back and Gabriel was afraid he’d run away.

“It’s not the same. You do know it’ll never be the same, don’t you? You’re living in the past. Sam is gone, Dean. And he’s not coming back.”

He slammed Gabriel up against the wall and Gabriel let him, let Dean stare him down and contemplate about whether to kill him. He let Dean have his moment, because it was better than doing nothing, than just holding everything inside and blowing up at a much later date. 

“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.”

Gabriel stared into his eyes, craving to see what was there, wanting to look past all the anger to find the grief that had come out in those last few words. But when he saw Dean melt down, when he saw him lose his nerve, he looked down towards the floor and that was what made the human back down. 

He let him go, “Why the hell are you even here anyway?”

“I already told you that.”

Dean shook his head and skulked off to the bathroom, “Just forget it. You couldn’t tell the truth if my life depended on it.”

He flinched as he heard the bathroom door slam shut, still pressed up against the wall in the aftermath of Dean’s anger. 

“It’s cause I love you.”

He sank down to the floor and stared at the crumpled sheets on their bed, “And I shouldn’t.”

 

Dean doesn’t talk to him for a few days. And it hurts. Nothing could hurt worse. And what’s worse is that Gabriel doesn’t even try, let’s Dean have his space, let’s Dean feel better by ignoring the fact he’s not there. So at night he doesn’t wrap his arms around him, doesn’t tell him stories of his past, doesn’t do anything but simply make him dinner and lie down next to him. Because Dean can deal with that, he needs Gabriel to lie beside him, just can’t stand it if he were to do anything else. So the dead archangel gives him that. When the full truth is that he needs it as much as Dean does. And he needs more, can’t take not having more. Not when his arms are meant to wrap around his most treasured possession, not when every word he utters is meant for Dean. Not when his heart is so miserably in love that he can feel it burning within him every single night. 

He doesn’t dream too much either. Doesn’t go back to Sam and Gabriel lies awake most nights asking himself why. He would have thought this would be the perfect time to escape reality, even if he was afraid Gabriel would intrude again. It only goes to show how unpredictable Dean really is. 

Dean had wanted him to promise never to take dream root again, never to visit another one of those dreams. But he didn’t promise a damn thing. He wouldn’t lie, cause he would do it again, in a heartbeat. Even if it angered Dean to no end. That was how much he cared, how much he worried, how much he obsessed. 

So day after day goes by with an angry and silent Winchester, and a relenting and depressed past archangel. And surprisingly, it’s Dean who speaks the first word, not Gabriel, not Gabriel who was so hopelessly close to breaking the barriers like he always does. It’s when they’re lying in bed, of all places, where the most monumental things happen. 

“Can you scoot closer?”

Gabriel looks over and wonders if he heard those words correctly. He doesn’t move, just stays put on his side of the bed and stares at the human in the dark. 

“Thought you didn’t want me.”

It wasn’t a question, he didn’t want it to be a question. He wanted his voice to break at the last word, wanted Dean to know he wasn’t the only one in pain. 

“I was wrong.”

For Dean to admit to that is a miracle in itself. And it’s so wonderful to hear that Gabriel has to reward him by wrapping him up in his arms and cuddling him. He nuzzles his neck and Dean doesn’t complain, he doesn’t move closer either, not until a few minutes later. 

“I don’t get why you would want to put up with me.”

It’s the only decent apology Gabriel’s gonna get. 

He wants to cry like he always does when Dean questions why he’s there out loud. The fact that he still doesn’t get it has reached past the part of annoying him. It only makes him more depressed. 

“You ever realize how dense you are?”

“You ever stop to think about the fact that you never answer any of my questions?”

Gabriel smiles a little, pulls Dean closer and attempts to brush some hair off his forehead, but Dean swats his hand away. 

“Where else should I go? And do you really want me to go?”

“No… Maybe. I don’t know.”

“That’s what I thought. Now shut up and go to sleep.”

“Is it really that nice here? With me, I mean?”

“Yes," he can feel his eyes drift closed and he lets them, "yes it’s perfect.”

He hopes Dean smiles at that. Even if he doesn’t understand, he hopes he smiles at something he has to say. 

 

For a few days, Dean’s pretty much okay. Well, as okay as he’s gonna get. And Gabriel takes advantage of these days, he knows how rare they are, which is why he holds Dean nonstop, for hours on end. And he doesn’t stop, not even when his arms cry out for release and Dean attempts to push away from him in embarrassment. After a few daily struggles, Dean always relents, lets himself sink back into Gabriel because he won’t let him do anything else. Mainly he’s too tired, too out of it to even open his mouth to protest. And Gabriel smiles in smug satisfaction. 

During the day, Gabriel is still and silent, stroking his human’s back incessantly but very gently. The only time of the day Dean can usually sleep is late morning to mid afternoon, and it’s during these hours that Gabriel is so bored but refuses to wake Dean, refuses to leave his side, refuses to do anything but just lie there and be a steady presence, a perennial comfort. It doesn’t matter that Dean often becomes annoyed at the weight pressed against his back when he wakes, it only makes Gabriel happier. He’ll tolerate the insults, the smart-ass remarks, which are now far and few, as long as he gets a piece of the human. As long as he is able, he will lie in the same bed with the person he loves. Regardless of what Dean thinks. 

It’s at night that the human suffers, with his inability to sleep and varying body temperatures ranging from bitter cold to flesh burning heat. Gabriel doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s more than happy to oblige. He finds that he’s not overly disappointed, as an archangel he would have been able to warm Dean up instantly, but a human’s body heat is nearly substantial enough. And it allows for more cuddling time, something Gabriel loves above all else. He hates it when he gets a fever though, then he’s forced to untangle himself from Dean so he doesn’t get too hot. It’s pure torture. 

Dean’s moans and shivers, as sharp and audible as thunder in the quiet room, drown out the thoughts in his head. He panics, he always panics, but he’s so into Dean that he doesn’t do anything but cuddle or keep him comfortable. And they talk, he talks when Dean’s suffering and can’t seem to form words, let alone ask questions. There isn’t much to talk about but heaven and playing the role of a Trickster, but Dean loves it, finds it interesting enough to take his mind off of everything else. 

He talks, on and on, doesn’t stop. It doesn’t matter if he repeats things, if he draws certain events and people out with insanely articulate imagery and an overload of emotions and thoughts. And this allows Dean to play around in his own head rather than living in the hell hole that is his own. Gabriel talks until his voice is hoarse and he needs to breathe, and then he still doesn’t stop, even talks to Dean when he’s asleep, knows somewhere inside he can still hear him. 

The third night nearly drives the once archangel into his own grave. The questions pour out of Dean’s rapidly moving mouth faster than Gabriel can answer them. Most of the time he gets so frustrated trying to figure out which one he asked first, which one he should answer, that he goes silent and smiles, ruffles the human’s hair affectionately and pulls him closer. Then he talks about something completely different, until Dean builds up the strength again to annoy him. Honestly? He loves it, loves Dean. Won’t stop either.

He asks Gabriel so many questions, about Kali, about his first perceptions of humans, about his thoughts on meeting him. And Gabriel tells him everything, except for the part where he once thought Dean was a total loser. But that was only at the very beginning. 

“What’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? Is it still heaven?”

“No, it’s humanity. You showed me that, Dean.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He kisses Dean’s forehead and then wipes away a tear before it falls down on the human. 

“Nothing, just rest.”

His fingers play with Dean’s hair, still damp from his last shower, “Just sleep.”

 

“I’m not an idiot, you know?”

Gabriel’s eyes flow down to Dean’s, revealing his hazels are closed. 

“Never said you were, Dean.”

He wants to press on but he’ll wait. Dean needs to do this on his own. 

“I know why you’re here.”

Gabriel gulps. 

“But you can’t save me. And I wouldn’t want you to anyway.”

He shrinks away a little, “Don’t say things like that, Dean.”

“You need to know it’s true.”

“Stop!”

Dean sits up in amazement as Gabriel yanks himself away, clearly angry and hovering over Dean as if he’s about to hit him. 

“You’re so fucking blind! You don’t see it do you?”

He can’t do much but try and fail to hide his fear and obsession to find out what the hell is going on, “See what?”

Gabriel runs a hand through his long, thick honey brown hair several times in frustration. He paces around the bed and Dean is still too terrified to get up, afraid Gabriel will push him back down and scream at him again. What does he want him to say? 

But then out of nowhere, Gabriel storms out of the room, leaving Dean more than just speechless, more than just unsure. He sits there and waits, countless minutes for him to come back but he’s gone. He lays back down after a long while, painfully cold and alone. He doesn’t know what he did, and what’s worse, he doesn’t know if Gabriel will ever forgive him for it. He clutches the sheets, realizing for the millionth time, how alone he really is. 

 

He slowly comes back to consciousness as he feels a body hit the bed. But minutes later, as arms cease to wrap around him to officially prove the statement in his mind that he isn’t alone anymore, he slips back into sleep, lost in a particularly fond memory with his dead brother. 

He drifts in and out, feels Gabriel shift around him, wrap an around his waist at one point only to drag it away eons later. He hears whispered words, what sounds like Gabriel talking to him, singing to him. His eyes meet Gabriel’s days later, and he doesn’t remember ever having turned around but it doesn’t matter. His eyes hold him still and he can feel his own close when the once archangel passes a hand over them to stroke his forehead. He breathes deep and feels Gabriel pull him closer to his body. His hands curl up into his bare chest, and he’d be damned if he didn’t admit it felt good, nice and cool after centuries of claustrophobic heat melting him into a pulp. 

He feels the strangest feeling, that Gabriel is putting him back together, piece by piece. And he craves to say thanks, to worship him in some way for making him feel at home again. But those aren’t the words he ends up choosing. 

“Sorry.”

Gabriel doesn’t answer, as much as Dean wants him to. But he does pull Dean into a hug. And if that doesn’t make him smile, he doesn’t know what will.

_~We’ll wrap the world around it  
If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way~_

He’s okay for a few days and then it gets worse so suddenly it leaves Gabriel’s head spinning. The days slip by with no wait, and it becomes so terrifying Gabriel finds himself pulling out his hair, screaming at how he needs more time. He doesn’t even know who he’s talking to anymore. Just that he begs, begs so hard for some power in the universe to bring Dean back to him.

He isn’t an archangel anymore, he’s nothing. And to see the effects of that rubbing off on Dean, only makes it harder. If he even had a fragment of his grace left, he’d be able to fix him. As much as he says Dean isn’t a toy, isn’t broken, doesn’t need to be fixed, Gabriel knows he can be. He can’t try, can’t do anything but sit there and wait on the sidelines. And more and more he’s believing that Dean doesn’t want him to do anything at all, doesn’t want to fix him. Because there’s nothing left to fix. 

Gabriel stands in the doorway of their bedroom most days just to watch Dean sleep, slip into lucid dreams with his brother. He waits as long as he can allow himself to before he downs another half-glass of the dream root. And this time it tastes worse, this time every inch of him burns as he goes under. 

He knows if he does this, Dean will never trust him again. But he’s already so far gone Gabriel just hopes he’ll remember his name. 

He might as well be in a coma now, with not having woken in days and lost in memories with Sam that seem to be growing stronger, more lifelike every day. It’s unbearable to watch, and he can’t feel selfish anymore for watching. Dean isn’t even trying. He’s just left Gabriel alone with his unceasing thoughts and building stress and agonizing humanity. He hates this, it isn’t even worth living anymore. If Dean’s not there in more than just the flesh, why does he carry on like this?

He rushed down the hallway to find Dean, and maybe he’ll tell him this time, or maybe he’ll just give him hell. Stupid fucking Dean Winchester, who doesn’t care about anybody but himself. Who probably wouldn’t care if he woke to find Gabriel lying dead on the floor. 

He was gonna bring him back, he couldn’t be with Sam forever. He wasn’t real. None of it was real, he couldn’t live in the past anymore. And Gabriel couldn’t put up with him anymore. 

Gabriel fell through a door and landed in the woods somewhere, standing up and brushing leaves off his jacket instantly. His gaze searched for Dean and he felt him before he saw him, his hands on his back and before he could comprehend what was happening, slamming him against a tree.

“What the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay out of my dreams!”

He held his own, “I never promised a thing, Dean. And if you think I’m gonna let you do this to yourself, then you better think again.”

“Says the angel without his mojo, who gave up his most precious thing for nothing at all.”

He dropped Gabriel and turned around, trying to walk away from the conversation, “You really don’t know anything, Gabriel.”

He stared at Dean with such hurt in his eyes, “What happened to you?”

Dean came back with a vengeance, “Sam’s death happened to me! What, you thought I was just gonna leave him behind and live your happy little apple pie life?”

It was Gabriel’s turn this time to throw him against the nearest tree. He felt such anger for so many things, he couldn’t suppress it anymore. It was killing him. 

“I have given you everything, Dean Winchester! Everything! How dare you turn your back on me!”

“I’m not your pet, Gabriel," he snarled.

Gabriel let go of him reluctantly and looked away, saw Sam leaning against a tree in the distance, completely oblivious to the two of them. He didn’t want Dean to be his pet, he wanted him to be his mate. They were two completely different things. He had refused for so long to control Dean, to make him feel like he was trapped. Was the human blind?

“You’re coming back, Dean.”

No matter what his methods were for dealing with him before, he would use force if absolutely necessary. There was no way he was gonna leave Dean here to rot in his own past. 

“No," Dean was still sprawled out on the ground, staring up at Gabriel with such fight in him it was beautiful to see for a change, "I’m not.”

Gabriel clenched and unclenched his fists, fought to control his erratic breathing. He looked down at the human for signs of him backing down, a collapse of a possible poker face. But there was nothing, he was being serious. Dean Winchester was ready to fight. And it really shouldn’t have been all that surprising, because Dean thought he was fighting for Sam. But he was only fighting for his memory. His good as dead memory. 

“What do I have to do?”

Gabriel honestly didn’t know how much more he could give, but he was positive there must be something more. Even if a deal was struck it would be better than this, than the consequences of this. 

Dean shook his head, “Nothing. I don’t want you here, I just want to be left alone with Sam.”

“That’s not good enough, Dean. You have to give me something.”

“I don’t get why you can’t just leave me here?”

_I think you are the stupidest man I have ever met, Dean Winchester._

Gabriel shook his head, barely able to repress his malicious nature. He wanted to punch Dean’s lights out and take him back right now. If only it was that simple. After that, Gabriel wouldn’t be able to live with himself, and maybe that would be a small price to pay, if he could only be positive that Dean wouldn’t come back to this moment. 

Being positive about something like that was the most unlikely thing to happen in the world. 

Therefore, he’d be the one to strike the deal.

He turned his back on Dean and walked away, “You’ve got an hour.”

“And if I don’t listen to what you say?”

He stopped in his tracks and glanced at Dean, who was now standing and in attack mode, “Then I’ll come for you and drag your ass back myself.”

As said before, he would do whatever it took to save Dean. If that meant kicking his ass and forcing him to do things against his will, then so be it. Gabriel was helpless now, vulnerable, but he wasn’t going to let Dean Winchester take advantage of him. There was no way. 

 

He left the human’s dreamscape and exactly an hour later, took the last of the dream root he had to reclaim his lover. He was in the woods talking with Sam, and Gabriel allowed himself a moment to smile, to let Dean have his last moment of peace. But he couldn’t wait too long, the human was most likely already too attached. 

“Dean, come on. It’s time to go.”

Dean turned to him and he looked completely normal for that one second, but the harder Gabriel looked, the more he noticed something was… off. 

Dean was fading. It started at the edges and rapidly moved deeper within him. If he was an archangel, he no doubt would see his soul fading along with everything else. And this was closer to death, Gabriel realized with horror, than anything else before. 

_What the hell?_

He stepped forward hesitantly, already reaching out a hand a few feet away from the human. Sam was gone now and Dean was just staring at him, an unreadable expression on his face. There was no happiness, no nothing. If he was going with Sam, wouldn’t he be relieved, happy, something? 

“Dean?”

“Gabriel.”

There was no emotion in his voice. It racked through Gabriel like a thousand shards of glass. 

His hand reached him and he watched with wide eyes as it disappeared, going straight through Dean. He gasped and his other hand instinctually reached for his face, wanting to hold it, to at least feel Dean one last time. But it was useless, his hand fell instantly back to his side, and his other one retreated as well. 

Dean was nearly gone. He wasn’t even fading into anything, just nothing. There was nothing there to take him, yet he was leaving him so unnaturally and so fast Gabriel couldn’t stop himself from sobbing, from crying out. 

“Don’t leave me. Please fight.”

Dean didn’t seem to struggle, but Gabriel wasn’t all too sure he wanted this either. He was just giving up, giving in, and Gabriel thought he would be able to postpone this moment, at least for a little while longer. He was wrong. 

He should have known better, should have taken Dean back when he had the chance. But no, it was always his failing, always his responsibility. 

So many regrets in such a short time. He screamed to the heavens to give Dean back. This wasn’t what he fell for. There must be more to life than this. 

He reached for him, one last time, but he might as well have been trying to grab thin air with his bare hands. 

He was a human. He couldn’t do a damn thing for Dean. 

“Dean, no!”

Dean was gone, leaving Gabriel with a hole in his heart that consumed him within moments. Consumed him until his body was nothing but a black hole of regrets.

_~I’m a stranger in this town  
I’m a stranger in this town  
I’m a stranger in this town~_

“Shit! Dean!”

One minute he’s back at home, in their bedroom, with the unsurprising image of Dean being nowhere in sight. And the next, Dean is falling down from the ceiling and crashing into the carpet, barely looking like he’s alive. 

There isn’t any blood, but don’t ask Gabriel how he knows. He just knows. His soul is fading and he can see it, even though there isn’t a morsel of his grace left in him, he can feel it. 

“No, Dean, don’t. Not today. Not today, please.”

He had thought Dean wouldn’t come back, and he didn’t even have a moment to think about what that meant, luckily, before Dean was back with him. There were so many questions he already wanted to ask, so many words he needed to say now that he couldn’t wait any longer to say. His concern for Dean though, took him quickly and held him, allowing him to focus unceasingly on what had happened to him. 

Gabriel slides the last few feet over to him and takes his face gently in his hands. Dean’s eyes are closed and his breaths are shallow, chest barely rising and falling and face far too pale for his liking. Gabriel almost wishes there was blood in sight, because if this was physical there was a chance he could save him. 

“Please, Dean. I need you. I need you so much.”

It’s his soul that’s bleeding, that’s dying. And maybe if the archangel that had once been within him decided to come back now, at this exact moment, then there was a great chance he could staunch the bleeding, heal him quickly enough so there would be no more suffering. He could take him someplace far away, someplace better. He could wipe his memories of Sam, force Dean to live. He could have done so much more if only a miracle would have happened. If only a miracle would happen now. 

By falling for Dean, he had ended up killing him. 

He just ends up thinking there’s nothing he can’t do wrong. And he had known somewhere inside that this was what would happen, if Dean chose to go with Sam. Everything within him would die and then he would die too, any last remnants that were left would disappear with no possibility of returning. 

Maybe all Gabriel had been doing was prolonging his death. If he had let Dean suffer more, would there ever be a way back from that? 

He can’t keep thinking. He has to try, has to do something. 

Dean isn’t unconscious, but he can care less anymore whether he’s out for this or not. He cradles his head in his hands and in a desperate effort to prolong his life, to make this moment mean something more than just tragedy, to become beautiful, he lays his lips on the human’s and kisses him. It is slow, so slow, and he feels like he’s in a daze, that by keeping his movements slow he can keep Dean’s death slow. 

He can bring him back from the grave with this kiss. He just knows it. 

Gabriel doesn’t let go, just keeps on breathing life into him, making sure he keeps breathing, feeling to see if he’s kissing back. He isn’t. He’s nearly too far gone to follow Gabriel’s lead, and he’s too out of his own mind to even care about who’s kissing him. 

He hangs on tighter, finally forcing himself to pull away for a few moments, to look down at his human’s gorgeously peaceful face. Dean looks happy, his body is still suffering but his mind is drifting away to a place where he would feel no pain. A life Gabriel did not have the power to give him. 

He had to get it out of him now. This could be his last chance. 

“I love you.”

Dean’s eyes flicker open. 

 

Gabriel immediately pulls off of Dean and continues to hover over his body, looking at him and frantically thinking about what he could possibly do. He doesn’t want Dean to think he’s going to give up on him this easily. His eyes are open and everything goes into hyper speed now. Gabriel has to act fast, do something, say something, pray, scream, cry. Dean is looking up at him and he wants to kiss him again, make it last even longer this time even though the time for kisses is over. 

He begs, begs even though his voice always sounds pathetic when he begs. He begs because he refuses to accept that every time he begs he’s let down. Dean always lets him down. Even now, when Gabriel knows he wouldn’t fight for this either. He hadn’t fought for him before, so why would he start now? It nearly kills Gabriel. 

“You gotta hold on, Dean. Can’t leave me now.”

He tries to smile at him, really does, but there’s tears streaming down his cheeks and the pain is growing to be too much. It’s unbearable. He wants Dean to know he’s trying though, trying so very hard to give him what he wants, to save him, to love him. But Dean never makes it easy to do so.

Dean just stares up at him and he begins to break at the seams. But he can’t fall apart now. Dean needs him to stay here, in reality, to share reality with him for the last time. Everything goes so utterly silent and he runs his hand through Dean’s hair so lovingly. 

He manages to gasp out through the thick tears consuming every part of him, “Look outside the window, Dean. It’s a beautiful day.”

There must be a way to get Dean to stay. He can’t think of alternatives. 

Dean smiles for a brief second but it’s enough, it’s enough to make him realize it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever gonna see. It’s enough for Gabriel to know this is it, this is the last time Dean will ever look so alive, so glowing. His eyes so vivid and happy and Gabriel can’t bring himself to look away. By looking away, he would never be able to see them for the last time. He smiles back before Dean closes them, and he’s positive the human can hear the words before he leaves completely. The only thing holding him back from death, from his long awaited permanent dream, are those last words. 

“I wish I could have done more. I love you, Dean Winchester.”

With every ounce of breath still left in him. 

“You’re beautiful too.”

And in his eyes, it’s the most perfect sign of love he can possibly imagine. 

Gabriel’s heart goes still as Dean’s eyes go lifeless. They don’t close, but they might as well have closed, for they are no longer green, but growing gray. His eyes close for a moment, letting the teardrops gathering on his lashes drop down his face and onto Dean’s. Then he opens them back up and forces his hand to stroke Dean’s hair again, one last time. But he can’t do it again after that, just can’t, it’s too painful. 

And what did it all mean, calling him beautiful? Was it Dean Winchester’s way of saying “I love you”? Maybe. Maybe not. 

He looks down at Dean, forgets to breathe, wonders if he’d struggle at all if he did stop breathing. Maybe he can just lie beside Dean and be with him in death. He knows it’s too much to ask for. 

He hears a noise in the doorway and looks up.

_~If heaven is on the way  
If heaven is on the way~_

Gabriel’s so sick of seeing him, especially now because he knows he has won. Dean has chosen him, not the archangel who fell for him, who gave up everything for him. He wants to punch Sam’s lights out, wants him to feel pain even though he knows he’s stupid. Sam’s dead, he’s probably not even here right now. Just some fucked up hallucination come to rub it all in his face.

He doesn’t want him to take Dean, wants him to be dead, always wanted him to be dead, even in Dean’s memories. He was the one to hold Gabriel back, to prevent Dean from healing. He was the one who killed Dean. 

And because of him, Gabriel will never see Dean again. Only in a lifeless form. 

Sam stands a few feet away from Gabriel for a moment before walking up to him, who stares up at him with disbelief and desperation now, not anger. Hatred won’t get him anywhere, maybe he can strike a deal, convince Sam to let Dean go. He knows it’s absurd but doesn’t care. 

“Sam?”

The youngest Winchester nods and smiles, bends down next to Dean but looks up at Gabriel with such sympathy it seems unreal. 

Gabriel doesn’t want his pity, doesn’t want anything from him. Because he has taken the only thing away from him that mattered, that still matters. He wants to strangle Sam, wants him to scream, to beg for Gabriel’s mercy. But Sam is dead and he is human and everything is so fucking wrong right now. 

_It’ll all be over soon._

_No, it won’t. Dean’s death will surely kill me._

He will beg Sam, because there is nothing else to say. He will fight for Dean, even though there is no chance. He will die before giving Sam the satisfaction of giving in. 

“Don’t take him away from me. Please, I need him.”

“Then you’ll be happy to know he’s at peace now.”

Sam looks at him as if he understands everything he’s feeling, when he knows absolutely nothing. Sam is so real, so touchable, he wishes more than anything that he were Dean right now, not where he currently is, lifeless and growing cold by the second. He can’t even look over to confirm his eyes have now reached a painful painful gray. 

“No," Gabriel shakes his head fiercely.

“I will take care of him now. I want to thank you, Gabriel. Thank you so much. He’s home now.”

Gabriel just stares at him, letting those last three words ring in his mind. Sam speaks with such love it’s overwhelming, and suddenly Gabriel doesn’t want to kill him. Suddenly, he realizes that this could be the best place for Dean. Because who better to care for him than his own brother?

“He loved you too," Sam fades away and there is no longer any sight of him.

He is gone. And so is Dean. 

As much as he would have hated to admit it, he wished Sam had stayed, because he was the last connection to his Dean. The last piece of him that he hadn’t thought to fight for. The Winchester brothers were gone forever. 

As if from a million miles away, he can hear the door slam open, paramedics bursting in all around him, Sam must have called them somehow, and they swarm around Dean like bees diving in for the kill. He wants them to all go away, wants to be alone with Dean a little while longer. Then again, he rarely gets what he wants. 

And he can’t seem to focus on anything but those eyes. Dean’s eyes are still gorgeous, even though a stranger would have never guessed they were green in the first place. Dean is still beautiful despite how truly dead he looks. He loves him so much, but he can’t find the strength it takes to endure kissing his corpse. 

“Time of death: 3:09.”

His heart starts beating again and he gasps, breathing hard and crying again at the sound of those words he didn’t want to hear. Just more words to torment him for the rest of his existence. 

He thinks he hears one of them talking to him, but he ignores it, instead stands up and walks away. Out the door. Into the day. To the park. Alone. Alone with the image of a lifeless Dean planted forever in his mind. Haunting him to insanity.

_~I’m a stranger in this town  
I’m a stranger in this town~_

“I buried him next to his brother. I couldn’t deal with going to his funeral, so I didn’t arrange one. That was a few months ago.”

“What have you been doing since then?”

“Just living alone, trying to see if I can do it. Be human without Dean.”

“Can you?”

“What do you think?”

The man nods slightly and looks away for a moment, letting the man beside him take the next words. 

“What about you? What’s been going on in your life lately?”

The man wants to laugh at that, wants to laugh at his own pathetic life and that the other man beside him, Gabriel, would even care. He doesn’t laugh though, he thinks of Dean and it saddens him. He sorta wishes he had at least met the guy. I mean, here he is, sitting with him on some random park bench, Gabriel telling him, a random guy, his life story. And he believes it, he believes it all. It’s too detailed, too beautiful, too heartbreaking not to. 

He wants to say something to cheer Gabriel up, but he doesn’t even know him. And he wants to thank him, for making his day, for turning his boring day into a perfect one. Because as sad as this man’s story is, it’s the best story there is. It’s all emotion, reality, perfection. He wishes it had had a happier ending, but life can’t all be perfect right? 

He’s been sitting on this uncomfortable bench for hours, listening intently and so drawn into Gabriel’s life he didn’t even ask any questions. He became mesmerized by the image of Dean, by the man he supposedly was, by his descent into something far from reality, but what sounded like something far better than reality. He wonders where Dean is now, considers whether he’s happy. He wants to tell Gabriel that Dean is better off, but would those words even mean a damn thing?

“My life sucks. So don’t ask about me.”

Gabriel smiles a little at him and he smiles back, waiting to see what he’ll say next. But it looks like Gabriel’s done, and he doesn’t want him to be done. He wants to hear more, hell, he’ll hear it all over again as long as he can hear Gabriel’s voice, as long as he can keep Gabriel here. He can’t leave now, not after all of this. 

The man licks his lips, “What will you do next?”

Gabriel shrugs and gets up off the bench, the man barely able to hold back from reaching out and pulling him back down. 

“Fall into another daydream.”

The man wants to protest, say no, wants to do so many things. Gabriel can’t just leave, pretend nothing’s happened after pouring all this out onto him. This is traumatic. This is reason to postpone his life for a few more hours at the least. 

But he doesn’t do or say anything. It isn’t his place. He’s not in Gabriel’s world, his life. He’s just an innocent bystander that Gabriel happened to see and decide he was the one to talk to. There is nothing personal, no friendship, nothing. The man doesn’t have the right to intrude anymore than he already has. 

And as he watches the man walk away, Gabriel, he is still stricken by tragedy. He feels that Gabriel will do something drastic, make the worst decision of his life. But then again, he’s just another bystander lucky enough to hear his story. And it’s his life. 

He only wishes he had known then what he knows now. That letting go is the hardest part, but that it’s the way you allow yourself to move on with your life. It’s how you change. It’s what Gabriel had done, let go of Dean, and maybe by doing that he had given himself and Dean peace. 

But then again, maybe he should have stopped him. Maybe he should have been more than a stranger. 

Maybe they should have all been more than strangers.

**FIN**


End file.
